Parent Brain and Childbirth

There seems to be a great divide between the married with children and those of us who have so far managed to avoid said situation thus far. Now whether this void is caused by jealousy on either side is not for me to determine, but I certainly can vouch for the unburdened masses when I say that there is something very different between the two groups.

Parent Brian is that state in which most parents are forever trapped. I gave an example earlier, and now I feel the need to expound on this topic. As I mentioned, one of the side effects of Parent Brain is the complete and utter lack of understanding about how a non-parent feels with regards to the subject of childbirth. Now understand that this is not a rule, perhaps it is an exception, but it is such a glaring exception that I feel it must be addressed. I am talking about the actual act of childbirth.

Those who have never seen a childbirth (specifically those of us who closed our eyes during that particular video in grade 9 gym class) are at a great disadvantage when it comes to overhearing the process relayed from one mother to another. However, it is another matter entirely when a mother attempts to tell us the story firsthand.

Before I launch into that story, I would like to clarify a few things. But be warned…beyond this point be adult subject matter…

First of all, I would like to quote Bill Hicks, whose untimely death is lamented by many. An unmarried man, with an almost unlimited scope of imagination and acerbic comments had this to say about a woman’s vagina. When unburdened by childbirth, it is like ‘a papercut surrounded by wisps of cotton candy’. Now, with that image in mind, turn your thoughts to how a man who is used to this sort of visual would react to a woman saying ‘I only ripped two inches’ during childbirth. Imagine the man being faced with the prospect of being cornered by a new mother showing pictures of the baby, only to find that she slipped in the pictures of the actual childbirth…ripping and all.

Now I am not one to easily shy away from the macabre, but I wouldn’t want to see my friend’s wife’s vagina on a good day. Let alone seeing a bone-white 8” head sliding through the fun canal causing ripping along the way. I don’t ask my friends to see pictures of a massive dump I may have taken the night before, indeed, I rarely take pictures of this event to begin with.

And it’s not just the pictures of the event, but how parents speak so openly and plainly in public forums about the placenta, the blood, the ripping and the emptying of the bowels. This is not something that needs to be shared, and again, shows the Parent Brain in action. On behalf of all non-fathers in the world, I would petition that these conversations be outlawed altogether. Free Speech be damned…this is not something you need to hear on the GO Train on the way home from work. You may be proud to be a mother, but you certainly don’t need to inform a train full of commuters that you refuse to eat bran because of all the stitches you have. That visual is not needed.

But the insanity does not stop there. The Parent Brain, like a virus-infested zombie of Parenthood's brain, keeps seeking to contaminate other healthy brains. Once we have passed the actual birth experience, and managed to avoid pictures of the gaping chasm of birth, we move on to the other conversations. The topic of Parent Brain and feces is a whole story unto itself, but I would like to address the topic of irregularities in the child's life. I was at a Chantal Kreviazuk concert a while ago, when she stopped singing and started talking about how wonderful her child was. To be expected from a new mother, I suppose, even if we did spend $100/ticket. But then, even for a seasoned professional, the Parent Brain kicked in. She started talking about his rashes, and how his penis and scrotum were covered in a rash...and how she had become the ultimate knowledge guide of children's penises. This is on YouTube...have a look for it. It's sad to see such a veteran performer fall to such depths of depravity...but this is just one example what the Parent Brain will do to a normally healthy person. Now a new parent may think 'well, this is normal! We all talk that way!', but I beg of you...look into your past...this was never a topic for conversation in public. It is simply the insanity taking hold of you.

So from the perspective of the progeny-less majority, we would like to beseech all mothers…please remember how you would have felt pre-child to hear these sorts of stories. I know the Parent Brain has kicked in, but it really is not necessary, and if at all possible, use what little rational thought that is left in your Parent Brain to remember that we really really don’t need to hear this.